The Other E3 Post
You’re right, I’m not going to forgive you for that. My views on E3 are well documented (well, Tweeted), but much like car crashes, you do end up slowing down to take a look, even if only through the eyes of the people who have actually dragged themselves out there to excitedly tweet about all the shows they’re going to that you’re not.
That said, this E3 actually managed to look less interesting than any that have gone before, which is some kind of miracle. The big 3 were basically showing off shiny new motion toys, or in Nintendo’s case, trying to make you care about the one they already have.
Nintendo’s next year basically reads like a retread of the early 90s, with new Donkey Kong, new Zelda, and although it wasn’t discussed at E3 much, there is of course the impending Pokemon Black and White – Miyamoto and cronies inadvertently creating all kinds of hilarious casual racism opportunities: my money is on Pokemon Fat-20-something-Caucasian/Asian-In-Denial next.
Sony’s showing was characterised by two things: the Playstation Move suffering enough ball-gag and dildo related jokes to accidentally draw a group of BDSM… enthusiasts in from next door, and Gabe Newell, a man whose liver and heart must be begging for someone to wedge a Move in his mouth, coming out to admit that actually, he quite liked Sony, he was completely wrong when he called them a bunch of tossers a few years ago, and he was very very glad they’d let him put Portal 2 on PS3, and that since they were being such nice folks, he’d even make it a bit shinier. In other words, it was one of those disgustingly awkward corporate love-ins, both sides doing their best to ignore Newell’s previous scathing attacks on Sony in the name of profit. Oh, and they’re going to stuff 3D down our throats, apparently. Judging by how quickly the public seems to be adopting Blu-Ray, 3D should become de rigeur just in time for us to watch the Four Horsemen riding down Wall Street – but it’ll feel like they’re in your living room! (As long as you don’t take the bloody silly glasses off)
And Microsoft? Well, it’s getting hard to find the point where Microsoft actually care about gaming at all. First they throw 250 of their shiny new slim 360s at journalists (as a “good-will gesture”, honest!), then they confirm that Fable 3 will only be available on PC through their utterly god-awful GFWL-GOD service (free thought-control nanites with every purchase!), and then, in a desperate attempt to make their E3 showing the “glitziest”, they hire Cirque du Soleil out for the night, and dress the front few rows of the audience up as Ku Klux Klan members. But it’s alright, people, because:
Bring me a kitten, I need to vent some rage. The games were all rehashed hi-res versions of existing Wii games, with perhaps the exception of that bloody stupid tiger-petting… thing, although that may just have been a tech demo; The system itself was poorly optimised, with actions looking like they were lagging or not translating well; and like the Eyetoy before it (which did so well), you have the obvious downside of looking like a complete fool if you’re not a young child or an improbably model-like woman.
It’s not all bad though. At least we have Crysis 2 to look forward to.
Oh God. Kill me now.